Are you an industry that feeds off of human misery? Are you looking for a corpse-feeding Lord of Death to hire as a consultant? Click here for Mr. LaPierre’s résumé.
Wayne Robert LaPierre, Jr., is a reanimated piece of festering shit and executive vice president of the experiment in mass sociopathy called the National Rifle Association. LaPierre was born on November 8, 1949 to a flatulent hippopotamus and its dilated anus.
After a lonely childhood spent mostly as a fecal culture in a petri dish, LaPierre grew into a more or less humanoid shape with ambulatory and vocal capabilities. Psychologists surmise from the mental mildew and sociopathic personality he suffers from as an adult that sometime in early childhood he was forced to watch his mother pegging his father with the strapped-on barrel of a .22-caliber hunting rifle, leading the young LaPierre to his lifelong sexual fixation on firearms and inflicting sadistic harm. One forensic psychologist’s report hypothesized, “As a child, Wayne appears to have compensated for the dysfunction of his parents by fostering an interest in vivisection and watching Faces of Death as he fell asleep.”1 LaPierre’s family moved often, leaving in their wake a string of neighborhoods plagued by arson and missing household pets.
His high school years at Slaughter-of-the-Innocents Academy were friendless and uneventful, though he found his calling after taking an AP course in Rhetorical Apoplexy that led him to establish the prestigious Frother Society, where he was both its sole member as well as its president, bestowing upon himself the organization’s highest honor, the Gnasher Award. LaPierre graduated Sigmoid Cum Loudly, an obscure distinction scrawled in his own childish handwriting on his diploma.
His thesis, entitled, “American Abattoir: A Vision for Tomorrow”, was withdrawn when it was discovered that large parts were copied directly from the Book of Revelations, other parts from a Fleet enema user’s manual from 1918, and still other parts from author Doyne Nickerson’s, “365 Ways to Cook Hamburger”.
After college, LaPierre became a government activist and lobbyist, fiercely representing a variety of foundations and industries: The American Society for the Advancement of Anal Warts, The John Wilkes Booth Foundation, and the Fried Smegma Cheese Curd Manufacturers Association.
In 1977, during an organizational coup of the NRA leadership by right wing fanatics in the John Birch Society, LaPierre was hired by the organization as their chief Toddler Slaughter Advocate. He soon advanced to the department of Victim Mockery Operations.
In 1991, LaPierre was promoted to Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association. He has enjoyed great successes in building the wealth of the American gun industry, using a signature combination of fraudulent science espoused by his scatplay partner John Lott, stoking paranoia in the cerebrally challenged, spreading flagrant white nationalist propaganda, propagating idiotic sexist misconceptions about rape and sexual property, and a brazen disregard for facts or empathy. His successes are apparent in the rise of gun extremism, the ubiquity of such brain-dead slogans as “guns don’t kill people, people do,” and the election of the NRA’s biggest investment, the Putin toe-nibbler currently inhabiting the Oval Office.